I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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