i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
