I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm getting married
To pizza
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
