go do what you do best...puke behind churches
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
