i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
