i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
