im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
only you would photoshop your dick
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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