I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
