Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
