you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
