Moan for me like Helen Keller
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
