Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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