video games are the ultimate cock blocker
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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