there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
