Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
