i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
