She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
