the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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