i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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