the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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