I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
