My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
