My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
