I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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