When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
