Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
