i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
