well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
