im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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