taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
