just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
