have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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