You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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