I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
