Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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