Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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