Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
