You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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