You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
