dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
porn star boner night. come get it.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You are a genius and a whore.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
