dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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