apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Randomize
