I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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