All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
