She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
