ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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