Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
