She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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