If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
