nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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